Why Some People Are Blunt — and How to Love Them

Why are some people so blunt—and why does it sting? In this honest and humorous episode of Sunburnt Souls: A Christian Mental Health Podcast, Dave and Jess Quak explore why blunt people speak the way they do and how relationships can thrive when truth meets grace. From prophetic personalities and neurodivergence to marriage, faith, and communication, they unpack how clarity can coexist with kindness. 

Using biblical insight—including Jesus’ blunt conversation with the woman at the well—this episode helps listeners see how honesty, when fuelled by love, can heal rather than hurt.

Whether you’re the blunt one or the sensitive one, you’ll find hope, laughter, and practical wisdom for living out faith in the messiness of human connection.

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Transcript

Sunburnt Souls – “On Blunt People”

Dave Quak:
All right.

Dave Quak:
All right. Welcome to Sunburnt Souls. My name is Dave Quak and on this show we speak about life, faith, and our mental well-being. This week, I’m blessed to have an expert in bluntness. We’re going to talk about blunt people—why they’re blunt, what makes them blunt, and what they’re thinking. And I am blessed, in one sense, to be married to the bluntest human on the planet.

If anyone knows Jess Quak, you’ll know she doesn’t dance around saying the specifics—but she doesn’t do it from a place of malice. That’s what we’re going to figure out today: blunt people aren’t necessarily mean people; there’s more to the story. So, Jess Quak, welcome to Sunburnt Souls. How are you going after that delightful intro?

Jess Quak:
Yeah, that kind of felt somewhat like a backhanded compliment—but either way, it’s a good topic. I’ll just say up front: I can’t speak for every blunt person who’s ever existed. I can definitely speak from my own experience—which, obviously, you’ve experienced a lot.

Dave Quak:
One time I really remember was when I was a bit vulnerable in my ministry space. I was in my 30s and we were going to King’s to pick up the kids. A lot of pastors go to King’s. There was a pastor there who was younger than me, “better” than me, doing more than me. In a vulnerable moment, I came home and I was a bit mopey—slinking around the house. You’re like, “What’s wrong, Dave?”

I said, “Oh, this person’s doing this, and they’ve achieved that,” and I was just having a moment. And your response was, “Oh, Dave, you sound like a teenage girl.” I’m like, “What do you mean?” And you said, “Well, you know when a teenage girl who is really pretty sees another girl who’s really pretty and then starts saying, ‘I’m not very pretty’—that’s like you.”

And then you just walked off into the garden and started gardening, as if that was nothing. What were you thinking?

Jess Quak:
I think it’s important to have context, isn’t it?

Dave Quak:
That’s what happened!

Jess Quak:
You do love telling people that I called you a 13-year-old girl.

Dave Quak:
No, I said a teenage girl. It wasn’t a specific age. And we’ve got nothing against teenage girls—we have one, so we love them.

Jess Quak:
Absolutely. But this came on the back of—this is probably part of what goes on in our house as well—possibly because of your bipolar, or just your personality, or just human nature—you tend to fall into a bit of cyclic thinking. You go down a particular thought pattern and continue. And because you process by talking about it, this wasn’t the first conversation we’d had along the same vein. It was probably the 15th or so. The first few times I had gently tried to nudge, gently, gently. By the time it got to this conversation, it had to come out in a bit more of a blunt way—like, you need to re-address the way you’re thinking.

Dave Quak:
I don’t remember the first 14 conversations. And that’s the problem with someone being blunt—you latch onto the thing that sticks and the rest disappear. For you, Jess, what does bluntness mean? What does it actually mean to you?

Jess Quak:
It’s really interesting. I appreciate blunt people. For me, I enjoy clarity. I’ve been asked a number of times, “Are you possibly on the spectrum?” That could be a possibility, because clarity often goes along with being on the spectrum. But for me, bluntness isn’t an attitude of trying to hurt someone—it’s trying to be clear.

Unfortunately, for many people—particularly if you’re vulnerable, if it’s an area where you might be triggered, or if you’re not neurotypical and you have sensitivity to conflict or fear of rejection—it can easily sound like rejection or a strong pushback. It can feel like an affront and cause offence. But the reality is, often when people are blunt—admittedly not every time; some people are just rude—I find a lot of blunt people are simply trying to be clear, and they also appreciate clear communication in return.

Maybe they’re not picking up on nuance, or maybe they feel you’re not picking up on where they’re coming from. Being blunt can actually be a gift where you go, “Oh, okay—I can assume this is coming from a place of love.” That’s probably the big thing behind it for me. I’m speaking for myself—maybe others aren’t—but at least give the benefit of the doubt. What are they actually trying to communicate?

Dave Quak:
That’s something we’ve talked about before. You used to say to the kids, “Okay everyone, you’ve got hippopotamus teeth—let’s go brush them.”

Jess Quak:
Come on!

Dave Quak:
I’d be like, “They don’t have hippopotamus teeth! Have you seen a hippo’s tooth?” I was afraid they’d get complexes about their teeth. But because they’ve grown up with you being blunt and also showing extreme love, they don’t see it that way. You can say that and they don’t care. I’m still a bit like, “Oh man, they’re babies.”

Jess Quak:
They might think, “Harsh mum,” but come on. I also grew up in that kind of environment. I have two sisters and a brother and, for the benefit of the other person, we would easily say, “Don’t wear that—that looks terrible on you. You’re going to look awful.”

Dave Quak:
That phrase is too much—“that looks terrible on you; you’re going to look awful.”

Jess Quak:
But it’s about how you’re hearing it. I hear that and think, “Oh, you believe I look better than I do right now.” The underlying message is that you think I can look better and you love me enough to say something. You care about me and we’re in a safe enough space for you to be the person who says, “Hey, you’ve got something between your teeth,” rather than ignoring it.

Dave Quak:
Between the teeth—fine. But you also had an army dad. I can’t imagine he beat around the bush. He’s a lovely dude—I love you, Dad—but he’s direct.

Jess Quak:
Our entire family was quite direct.

Dave Quak:
Your mum can be too, but she’s the loveliest human ever.

Jess Quak:
Absolutely.

Dave Quak:
So it’s part family DNA, and also that you don’t want to waste words. I’ve noticed you don’t love to verbal-process. If I get you on the podcast, I have to catch you at the right moment—you’re actually really good at this, but I’ll talk for half an hour and that’s all you need. So for you it’s an efficiency thing.

You brought up neurodivergence. It’s important because people don’t always understand that someone with autism might sound blunt but they’re not being rude or inconsiderate—it’s just how the world works for them. I still remember the first time I encountered a young person who was really autistic. I didn’t know it. I was working at a school as a chaplain—a Christian support role. There was a guy with severe autism who got in trouble for telling everyone they were going to hell.

I didn’t know he was neurodivergent when he was sent to my office. No one tells you. I didn’t have access to medical records, and fair enough. But I would’ve loved a tip-off: “Hey, here’s what’s going on.” He comes in and I said, “What are you doing here?” He goes, “I told Nathan to go to hell.” I’m like, “Okay, how do you think Nathan would have felt about that?” “I don’t care, he’s going to hell.” “Okay, why did you tell him?” “Because I don’t want him to go to hell.”

It was very black and white. If you take away the framing, it sounds nasty. But there was no ill intent.

Jess Quak:
Yes.

Dave Quak:
And I think that’s the hard thing. Even people with ADHD can get this a bit. Sometimes they don’t have the investment in the conversation to care for the niceties. Some of our good friends have ADHD and sometimes that’s the case. Other times it goes the other way—they’ll be the opposite of blunt and want to talk all day.

Jess Quak:
It takes 60 years to get to the point—yeah. Everyone is different. It’s about awareness. For some, that awareness will come more naturally. Scripture says we speak the truth in love. For me, as someone who naturally speaks more bluntly, I have to make sure it’s coming from love—and communicated in the way of love. One of the fruit of the Spirit is gentleness.

If I’m really tired, socially maxed out, have been talking all day, or haven’t cared for my own wellbeing, I become more and more blunt because it’s like, “This needs to be communicated and I’m going to take the shortest route.”

Dave Quak:
Yeah.

Jess Quak:
But it can do more harm than good. So both the speaker and the listener need to be thoughtful and gracious. You never know where someone’s coming from when they’re speaking. My general rule: give the benefit of the doubt and offer generosity—like Jesus would say. And on the speaker’s side, take an extra second to consider not just what you’re saying but how—tone, body language, even timing. You can say the most loving things in an unloving way.

Dave Quak:
True. Obviously this is a Christian mental health podcast, so we want to approach this with a biblical lens. You lean into the prophetic gifting—teaching, prophetic—hearing from God. If you look at the prophets in the Bible, there isn’t a lot of beating around the bush. Think about Elijah and Ahab—there’s not much small talk. “Your god vs my God—you go first.” They call down; nothing happens. Then he calls on God and the place explodes.

What about Nathan? Remember this—King David is acting like a goose. He’s taken Bathsheba—had everything—and took another man’s wife. Then Prophet Nathan comes and rebukes him—tells the story and says, “You are the man.” Can you imagine when he dropped that—“You are the man”?

Jess Quak:
Yeah.

Dave Quak:
John the Baptist calling the Pharisees a brood of vipers—a bunch of snakes. Jesus calling the Pharisees whitewashed tombs. And Paul—he called out everyone. The guy needed a lesson in softness sometimes. I don’t have many passages where he’s showing tenderness—maybe when he’s older, in some of the epistles.

Jess Quak:
He loves the Philippians.

Dave Quak:
He loves the Philippians—maybe because Lydia’s the leader; she was amazing. All that to say, for you who lean into the prophetic—not with the same authority as Elijah or Nathan, they’re their own breed—is that part of it? Do you reckon it’s a spiritual thing that you’re so blunt?

Jess Quak:
Potentially, yes. I can’t say for sure. I know quite a lot of people who are prophetic and who can come across as blunt. There’s an element with prophecy—if you feel you’re sharing something from God—you need to do it very clearly. You can’t add your own words. You can’t waffle. It needs to be what God says, not what you say.

Dave Quak:
Can I say on that—because I think that’s really important. I’ve been around this a lot. Sometimes when people prophesy and go for ages, you know they’ve added to what God said. If God gives you a vision of a golden lamp that you’re to tell someone, just say, “I see a golden lamp.” You don’t have to interpret it: “The golden lamp represents this.” Just, “This is what God showed me—this is for you.” You’re right: “You are the man,” Nathan said, and that was the punchline.

Jess Quak:
He did tell him a story first!

Dave Quak:
True, but David thought he was the hero before he got the punchline. Anyway, with prophecy, you don’t want to add to what God’s saying. If He’s only saying a little bit, say a little bit.

Jess Quak:
That’s right. You want to be clear where God is clear. Even with the gospel—when I’m talking about Jesus and what the gospel means—I want to be clear. I don’t want to misrepresent what Jesus has done because it’s so good. If I misrepresent it and someone misses out on that goodness in the moment because of me—that would be awful.

So, there are a number of reasons I’m probably more blunt than others, depending on the situation. How about for you, David—since you’ve sat me in the hot seat?

Dave Quak:
I’ve got you pretty hot already too! How is it to experience—especially for someone who can struggle with bluntness?

A bit of context: I’ve always been conflict-averse. When someone’s got harsh words—or what I perceive as harsh words—it’s a struggle. But I’ve learned to flourish in it in partnership with you. We’ve been married 20-something years. I’ve learned, firstly, to understand your intent, not your tone or delivery. You have zero malice in your system. Anyone who knows you would agree—you’re not the type to tear someone to pieces or act from anger. So I need to remember that your intent is love.

If you’ve got someone in your life who is quite blunt: firstly, understand their intent, not just their tone. Base your interpretation on the character they’ve displayed over the years—the way they parent your children, love the church, and worship Jesus.

Secondly, I try—not always successfully—not to take it personally. It’s hard when I’m the only person receiving it. I’m always amused when people say, “Don’t take it personally,” and I’m like, “There’s no one else here!” But I take it curiously. Because I trust that you’re prophetic, I’ve got to believe God’s up to something. If you’re being blunt, I need to think, “Okay, there could be something more here.” Humble yourself, go for a walk, get a coffee—eat a muesli bar if you’re hangry—do what you need to do. Remember it’s not personal.

Third, I’ve learned your communication rhythm. After so long, if you need to tell me something, it won’t be the same as me. I’ll sit you down and try to win you over—like when I try to move us to Southeast Asia, I set up coffee at the beach, talk and cuddle, and then say, “By the way, want to move overseas?” You don’t need all that. You go straight to the point. You know how people talk about a “feedback sandwich”? You’re gluten-free—you go straight to the point.

So, learn the communication rhythm. If you’ve got someone in your life like this, remember the last time they didn’t have malice when they were blunt—they probably don’t this time either.

Jess Quak:
Interesting, because you and the kids—the people closest to me who know me best—I’m probably more blunt with, because there’s that element of safety and vulnerability. You actually taught me a lot of that. I was already blunt, and when I first married you, you were so blunt—but in a different way.

Dave Quak:
I was super broken—I’d only been saved like three minutes.

Jess Quak:
But you were happy to be vulnerable. We’d be talking about something and I’d be in the middle of a story and you’d say, “Look, I’m so sorry, but this is boring me. I’m really not interested in this story.” At first I was offended—“You should care because I care.” There’s truth in that. But also, you cared enough to tell me you were getting bored. Maybe I’m not communicating it in a fun way. Not that I have to be your entertainment, but it freed me up. When you are vulnerable, you can have that kind of honesty.

With a lot of people—if you have autism, for instance—where you’re making a lot of effort in communication all day long, trying to read what the other person’s doing when it doesn’t come naturally, and making sure you include social niceties—when you get with people where you can “unmask,” you tend to be very blunt because you’re safe. If someone feels safe enough to be completely blunt with you, that’s actually an honour—especially if they’re neurodiverse. And in the same way, you can communicate back, “I need you to be a little gentler in the delivery at the moment.”

Dave Quak:
True. One of my favourite interviews was with Robert, who has autism—on the Sunburnt Souls podcast. He’s pretty much doing nearly everything at Vision Radio—been there 24 years. He shared that in his autism journey he feels like there’s a script to life and everyone has the script except him, so he doesn’t know what’s coming. He doesn’t understand the cues. In his mind, others seem to have a script like: “This is what happens next; this person walks in with this attitude,” and so on.

For him, to sit down with blunt people is refreshing—he doesn’t have to think about what’s coming around the corner. And it’s frustrating, no matter where you’re at in your mental health journey, to be uncomfortable. It’s no fun.

Another way I flourish with you: I focus on the heart, not the words. It’s similar to earlier, but 1 Samuel 16:7 reminds us God looks at the heart, not the outward appearance. Your heart for me and the family is huge. You’re not going to bring evil out of that heart. If someone in your life says something and you think, “Why would they say that?”—remember their heart, their loveliness, their consistency and dedication to you.

And finally, growing together in grace. If you’re married to someone who’s a bit harsh or direct—we’re all in grace. Most of the time, you say what you say bluntly because you’re speaking out of love. The 10% of the time you don’t—that’s the same as any broken human who makes mistakes. I’m going to extend the same grace to you as you extend to me when I’m swearing at the world or whatever. We’re all on a journey.

Can I start winding up? Before we do, let’s look at a blunt conversation Jesus had.

Jess Quak:
Yeah.

Dave Quak:
If we’re thinking about the purpose of a blunt conversation—why people have bluntness—Jesus has to be our example. If He’s doing it, it can’t be intrinsically bad. He is love; the perfect representation of God. I want to take us to the woman at the well in Samaria.

If you’ve got your Bibles, go to John 4. Verse 4: “And He had to pass through Samaria. So He came to a town of Samaria called Sychar, near the field that Jacob had given to his son Joseph. Jacob’s well was there. So Jesus, wearied as He was from His journey, was sitting beside the well. It was about the sixth hour.”

Before we go on—Jess, you’re a scholar—give us a couple of things. What’s Samaria? Why is that mentioned?

Jess Quak:
Samaria was a region where there was a remnant of Jews after the exile. God had told Israel not to marry people from other nations; they were to remain distinct in preparation for the Messiah. In Samaria, many had intermarried, and with that often came adopting elements of other cultures’ beliefs. So, in the eyes of many Jews, the Samaritans were the “bad guys.” That’s why the parable of the Good Samaritan is so striking—and why John notes this context.

Dave Quak:
And because they intermarried, the faith got watered down—you see that pattern through the Bible. Solomon’s a perfect example. Okay—“the sixth hour” (about noon). “A woman from Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, ‘Give me a drink.’”

Could you imagine if I came home, walked in the house, looked at you and said, “Give me a drink”? There’s no, “Hey, I’m Jesus from Nazareth, what’s your name? Would you mind if I had a drink?” I’m not saying He’s being rude—

Jess Quak:
—

Dave Quak:
—but He’s hot, He’s at the well, He’s had enough: “Give me a drink.” The disciples had gone away into the city to buy food. Verse 9: “The Samaritan woman said to Him, ‘How is it that You, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?’” That’s what you said before—Jews had no dealings with Samaritans.

“Jesus answered her, ‘If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, “Give me a drink,” you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water.’” What’s that about?

Jess Quak:
This is why it’s so important to learn not just to read the Bible, but to read it in context. Jesus is breaking cultural taboos: Jew vs Samaritan, and man vs woman. In that time, women were not seen as equal to men—there was no feminism. Jesus often elevated women; that’s another conversation. For Him to speak with her, ask her to interact and even serve Him—that’s actually an honour. He’s saying, “If you knew who I was, you’d be saying, ‘Give me all You have to give.’”

Dave Quak:
“The woman said, ‘Sir, You have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do You get that living water? Are You greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock.’” Do you remember when we went to Israel?

Jess Quak:
We went to Jacob’s Well.

Dave Quak:
They dropped down the bucket and everyone stood in a line, pulling it up bit by bit. You got to the front—what happened?

Jess Quak:
I got to pull the water out of the well.

Dave Quak:
You got it to the top, which was really cool.

Jess Quak:
It was pretty cool.

Dave Quak:
And it’s the same Jacob’s Well as this. That doesn’t always happen in Israel—often it’s, “This could be where it happened,” and they build a church there. But Jacob’s Well is actually Jacob’s Well.

“Jesus said, ‘Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I give will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.’ The woman said, ‘Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.’”

I love that. He hasn’t said that much, and already there’s something in her spirit: “There’s more to this story.”

Jess Quak:
Yeah.

Dave Quak:
What do you think about that response, Jess?

Jess Quak:
She’s desperate. Over and over in Scripture, God goes to those who are humble and desperate. The biggest stumbling block to receiving from God is pride—thinking we don’t actually need Him.

Dave Quak:
I love how she gets hungry. If that happened at church—if I was preaching on living water and someone’s ready to receive Jesus—I’d do an altar call. Jesus doesn’t. She’s hungry for living water and Jesus says, “Go, call your husband, and come here.” That’s blunt—because if she had a husband, she probably wouldn’t be at the well in the middle of the day. “Go call your husband.”

“The woman answered, ‘I have no husband.’ Jesus said, ‘You’re right in saying, “I have no husband,” for you’ve had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband. What you’ve said is true.’” What’s that about?

Jess Quak:
Jesus is showing her that He knows her and sees her in her brokenness. Traditionally, people have read this as the woman being promiscuous—like the woman caught in adultery—and Jesus meets her with grace and truth. Others look at the context: in that day, women could be divorced by men for many reasons—burnt dinner, barrenness, whatever. She may have been rejected again and again. Now she’s with a man who’s doing wrong by her—unwilling to commit to caring for her. She’s vulnerable. Jesus is saying, “I see you.”

Dave Quak:
That’s it—the prophetic thing. Earlier we said sometimes you say blunt things to deliver a prophetic word. For Jesus to bring up these husbands was clearly awkward, but because He was blunt, God was able to move her. If you don’t know the rest of the story—she runs into town telling everyone about Jesus. Her life is transformed. She becomes one of the first missionaries. Her life changed—gone.

So if you’re blunt, you’re not excluded from being used by God. If you’re blunt and sometimes don’t read social cues—God can use you. If you sometimes say things you shouldn’t or you hurt people’s feelings—join the club. Some of us are anxious, some depressed, I’ve got my bipolar, some people are too blunt, some are too scared of conflict. We’re all wrestling with something. Be encouraged—you’re in good company, not just with Jess, but with Jesus too.

Jess Quak:
Yeah. And He’s very blunt in the way He’s not backwards about showing affection. His love for us is so great and so big—and that’s beautiful too. We don’t need to guess when it comes to Jesus and what He wants for us. We don’t need to guess whether His care for us is true—because He lives it, says it, and does it. It’s wonderful.

Dave Quak:
It is. Jess Quak, thank you for coming to Sunburnt Souls. Thank you for being here—even though you knew the topic and still willingly came along—because you’re more concerned about the gospel being proclaimed than your personal comfort. Thank you.

If you need any help in your faith and mental well-being, we have a 28-day course for $28. It’s amazing. Plus, there’s a 30-day free course. They’re all on the Sunburnt Souls website. Jess, if you could finish by praying for us, we’ll wind up this week.

Jess Quak (prayer):
Lord God, I thank you that you use each and every one of us in such different ways. I ask now, for those who have been holding onto hurt over someone’s bluntness in their life, that they would give that to you and receive healing. And for those who have a tendency to be blunt—whether due to personality or because we’re walking the wrong way at times—help us refine the way we love others through our speech.

Let us be quick to speak encouragement and love and grace over others. Teach us when to be silent, when to stop, and how to take that moment to breathe with you and guard our hearts, because out of them come the words we say. We ask your blessing on each and every listener today. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Dave Quak:
Amen.