The Path to Mental Health Diagnosis

What happens when you first say “I got diagnosed?” 

Jess and I talk candidly about the subtle ways people dismiss mental health and neurodiversity with phrases that sound harmless, like “Everyone’s a bit like that,” and why those lines can make a friend feel exposed, misunderstood, and less likely to ever share again.

We break down why a mental health diagnosis or neurodivergent diagnosis often shows up late, not early. Before anyone reaches a GP, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist, they’ve usually spent a long time trying to cope, doubting themselves, and wondering if their struggles are just personal failure. 

We also get practical about what the path can look like: making the appointment, getting referrals, untangling overlapping symptoms, and the slow reality of medication trials and ongoing tweaks. Along the way, we explain masking in plain language and why it can leave people wiped out the moment they get home.

After talking about identity after diagnosis, when to share, and how a label can be a framework without becoming a prison. For us, faith shapes the tone: compassion like Jesus, truth without shame, and the belief that being “different” can carry real strengths, creativity, and purpose.

If you’ve ever responded the wrong way, there’s grace and there’s a next step. Listen, then share this with someone you want to love well, and if it helps, subscribe, leave a review, and send us your thoughts. What’s the most supportive response you’ve ever heard after a diagnosis?

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Transcript

Intro And Why Jess Is Here

Dave Quak 0:00

Today I have my person. I have my Jessica. And because it's quite a tight recording studio, it's kind of nice to have you in here and not feel creepy. Do you know what I mean? Like it's nice, I'm attracted to you, like, which would be weird for any other guest, and I'm hoping later we get a kiss or two. That's weird if you're just a normal guest, but because you're my my wife, I can say that stuff. I feel like it's like me, you know, being romantic and nice. Uh anyway, we're here in the studio because it's been a while since we've touched base together and led an episode. And whenever we do that, we get a lot of good feedback that people are keen to have us, which is really encouraging and nice of people. What do you want to talk about today, Jess?

Jess Quak 0:42

It'd

Dismissing Diagnoses Hurts People

Jess Quak 0:43

be worthwhile talking about how we respond when someone shares with us that they've received a diagnosis about um, you know, whether it be bipolar, depression, anxiety, ADHD, ASD, whatever it might be. Um, because there is a lot of talk around the mental health space lately. And so a lot more people are sharing that they're going through this stuff, that they've received these diagnoses. And for people who are hearing this a lot and are not going through it themselves, there can be a little bit of misinformation about the place. Um, and it can sometimes feel like, wow, everyone has a diagnosis now. And and some people are just blatantly saying, Well, look, aren't we all on the spectrum in some way, shape, or form, aren't we? You know, has everyone got a diagnosis now? Aren't we all special snowflakes kind of thing? Um, and yeah, why that might feel that way, um, I think some of that has been, if that is your response when someone's sharing that with you, it's probably because you haven't really understood the entire process of what it means for someone to be diagnosed, um, and how when they've finally come to that place, that's not their first step on their journey with their mental health battles. It's actually one of the last steps and what they've gone through to get there by just kind of going like, you know, it's like kind of saying to a dementia patient, well, we all forget things sometimes. It's really um difficult for that person when they're really when they're sharing with you what they're wanting is your love and your acceptance. They want to feel safe in your in your response, they want to feel like, okay, this is part of who you are, of you understanding who you are, and I want to help understand that too. And sometimes our responses can sort of shut that down relationally without us even thinking about it. I don't think it's necessarily a um an evil thing, or someone's like, I'm out to get people, but even just that kind of talk can stop people from sharing in the future, because if they've had a conversation with someone where they're like, oh, all these special snowflakes, and meanwhile, you may be in that conversation going, Well, actually, I'm one of these people who have received a diagnosis, that is not a safe person to go to in the future. Oh, I

Why Getting Diagnosed Takes Years

Jess Quak 3:10

want to kind of walk through the hurdles that someone needs to overcome to get a diagnosis, just so that we can sort of honor this whole process a little bit more. And also, if you're kind of in a stage where you've, you know, maybe you've got a child or for yourself, you're sort of thinking through, well, what does this look like going ahead? Um, can kind of help talk that through a little bit of what it looks like. Because I think one of the first hurdles is understanding about yourself that there's something going on. And this can be really hard because when you think about it, most of the things that we're talking about that are diagnosed, whether it be ADHD, ASD, bipolar, you know, anything within the realm of mental health, a vast majority of it is genetic. And so for a lot of people, they will just think, well, this is normal because my family did this. We all do this. Um, and then it's only when things get really tough or that you meet someone who's so different to you and they're saying, wow, you're a bit weird, um, that you go, okay, well, maybe this isn't normal, this behavior. And then it's okay, well, is it a learnt behavior or is it a genetic behavior? You know, is this something that I can change, or is this something that's actually biologically different about me? And getting your head wrapped around the whole thing too, like you a diagnosis doesn't mean something is wrong with you, it means something is different about you, and you just need to you see the world in a different way, you relate to the world in a different way, and sometimes accommodations need to be made for that. Um, and that can be a really hard thing because not to get to a point where you say something is wrong with me, um, that's hard. That's hard to accept about yourself sometimes.

Dave Quak 4:57

Like you said, it's just differently wired. And there's a lot of people that are differently wired, you know, and I think what do you think, Chester? You think that there's more people with mental illness now than say 20 years ago, or there's the same amount of people, but they're now more aware of the process of diagnosis?

Jess Quak 5:15

I think there's a lot more awareness. Um, and I think that the way that the world is sort of functioning makes it a lot more difficult for people who aren't neurotypical to function sort of under the radar. Um, the way that school's set up, the way that behavior is expected, the way that we have technology that's different, which means that different pressures and different societal expectations are there. Um, just life just looks a little bit different now than what it did at one stage. It's probably sort of pressing on that. But I think there's also a little bit too where there is the sort of freedom to go, hey, there's something different about me, and it's it's at a point at which I might need a little bit of help knowing how to navigate this in life, because there's probably a whole heap of people out there who are undiagnosed, but their life is functioning fine, and that's okay. So they're not going to go and get a diagnosis because they understand the way that they tick and they've found a way in which they can work within that, and and things are going smoothly, so it's fine. But maybe they have children who are then struggling with you know navigating life, and so then they need the diagnosis. Or I mean, there probably is a point at which there is a little bit more, you know, there would be some people out there who are being diagnosed with things that maybe they don't have, but I think to run the risk of missing people getting help, it's it's worth actually going, okay, well, let's let's see what we can do about this.

Dave Quak 6:52

So if someone needs to walk down this path, or maybe they've got like someone in their world that they love that needs to start this pathway, uh, what would

The First Practical Steps

Dave Quak 7:00

be the first step?

Jess Quak 7:01

First step, it's usually, and this is where it gets tricky, because if say you're you have ADHD, um, I saw a comedian recently say how a neurotypical person would find it quite easy to get a diagnosis, but someone with ADHD has to make a GP appointment and then they have to go there on time, then they have to be able to say what's wrong with them, and then they have to get a referral and then make a new appointment, keep the referral, go to the doctor, follow up all this stuff, which is quite difficult for someone who's struggling with this. Um, but the first point of contact will be the GP, and they will sort of give you, have a chat about what's up. Because that's really hard too, because we can sometimes suspect something's going on, but not be able to pinpoint what it is. And there are there are times in life when things are sort of exacerbated, like you think about um kids at school, when it suddenly becomes like a bit more obvious that okay, all the other kids are doing X, Y, Z, but this child is struggling here. Um, so that's when it can be pointed out. Um, times of like hormone fluctuations, like with teenagers, um, where you go, like, ah, something's up, we don't know what, but something's going on here. And also through menopause, a lot of menopause of women are being diagnosed with things that they've been able to mask their whole life. Um, because now as well, there is a lot more discovery about okay, well, a lot of these things present differently in girls than they do to boys. Um it the diagnosis looks slightly different, but it can present one way and actually be something else. So, like in your case, even you can go to a GP, you can go to a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and be diagnosed. But for the majority of bipolar people, you're not initially diagnosed with bipolar, you're usually diagnosed with depression.

Dave Quak 8:59

It's true, because you don't go to the doctor when you're manic, because even though it's bad for you, it can sometimes feel amazing. And then I remember getting diagnosed years before bipolar with depression because you'd only go to the doctor when you're flat and yeah, wiped out. Hey, you quickly you mentioned the word masking. I hear that probably every 16 or 17 minutes at the moment. People are talking about that a lot. What do you even mean when you say that?

Masking And Why It Exhausts

Jess Quak 9:25

So it's kind of that, um, and people I think generally will feel this, where you put on a social mask of what's socially acceptable. You're not your truest self, where you go, now you don't do this very well anyway, because if you're like bored in a conversation, you're like, I'm bored, I'm out. So you just leave. For the majority of people, um, you go into a social setting and you put on a mask to come across in a socially acceptable way, in order that you can function, that you can be accepted. The problem with this is, um, and this is where the diagnosis can become hard too, is that it's not only your outward behaviors that are are being treated, it's that inside feeling of I just don't belong. It's like everyone's got a script that they're going along with, and I I don't have the script. So I have to really pay extra attention to what everyone else is doing and how they're responding, and I have to jump on that, and and it's exhausting because it's not a true, like it's thinking extra through the way you say things. It's um it's and depending on what it is you have, like if you're depressed, it's like okay, I have to pep up a little bit to like be engaged. If you say artistic, you're really like following and being mindful of too much eye contact, not enough eye contact. How am I presenting? Is my voice fluctuating enough? Am I following what's happening here? If you're ADHD, it's like I need to focus on what this person is saying and not be distracted by the bird that's flying back by over there. No, whatever it is, it's that extra bit of energy that you're using in a social situation in order to function within that social norm, but then it's exhausting. So you get home and the mask comes off, and the you just drop. And it's just a genetic thing that's happening, and it would be so lovely if we lived in a society where everyone could live without masks, but there is a point too at which functioning does require a level of being aware that we live in a society and our behaviours do affect those around us.

Dave Quak 11:38

It must be so exhausting when people get home. I imagine that's when you let it fly as well. So say you're masking some frustration you've been having all day long. Well, then when you get home, you're gonna yell it out or whatever. So starting at the GP, they refer on to like psychologists and psychiatrists. When I went to the GP, they gave me a mental health assessment. So it's like a questionnaire, and then out of that I got qualified to be on the mental health plan, which is an Australian system where you get X amount of um, you know, psychologist um appointments subsidized, which is cool. I think it's 10 a year at the moment. Um, when I first got on, it was 20 a year because it was COVID. So me and my psychologist became best besties, man. We saw each other every week. But I do I love my psychiatrist because he is the person who's been able to really dig in and figure out how my mental well-being works in relation to my medication, in relation to my faith, in relation to my calling, and all of that altogether, which I haven't felt as hurt um by a you know, a different psychiatrist in the past. You know what I mean? And so, like and I know they're slim, man, they're slim pickings. Like you if you find one, hold on to them, send them flowers at Christmas, do whatever you can to keep them, because there's so few.

Finding Good Care And Right Meds

Jess Quak 12:57

It's sometimes quite difficult to find a doctor that will listen, or whether it like and it's not because they're terrible people, it's because they're seeing so many different things presenting in so many different ways, and some of these things can be really complex. Like you look at the um like migraines, IBS, allergies, um, asthma, ADHD, ASD, bipolar pots, mast cell syndrome, um Ellis Dannis syndrome, however you say that one, they are all really interconnected. So you might be presenting with one of these things, but it's actually part of like another thing, or you may have one thing or two things, and one thing might be covering out what the other's doing. And it can be really something to really untangle. And then once you get the diagnosis, that's not it, hey, because like you were saying, you can start with one medication or something, that doesn't mean it's necessarily gonna work.

Dave Quak 13:57

No, you've got to zero in on the right medication because you start one and they want to give it, you know, four, five, six maybe weeks to see if it's got an effect, and then if that doesn't work, you've got to wean off that before you start the next one. I reckon it was at least one, maybe even two years, until we got our balance correct. And even now it's getting tweaked all the time. Because it is um I think you agree I agree with you too. You just listed off ten different um conditions that have overlapping kind of characteristics, and so often I'll be with one of my friends who's got really intense ADHD, and some of the bipolar traits that I have are the same traits they have. It's complicated and you know, like I I mean for me, I think getting the diagnosis is a benefit big time, if it's the correct one, obviously, because it gives you a framework for by which you can now operate successfully. Like that's what I found helpful was okay, bipolar looks like this, and then I'd read the um diagnostic manuals and all that stuff and go, actually that that is how I operate. So, and then it'd have suggestions on how to move forward, and it gave a framework. I know not everyone agrees with that. Some people, maybe in the hyper-Christian world, would say that a diagnosis is a self-fulfilling prophecy where it's like you know, something you need to overcome rather than walk with, whereas I don't I'm not there anymore. Like I believe in healing and everything else, but I think a diagnosis helps frame how you are, helps frame your life, and especially if it's from someone who is qualified and you know, in my case, loves Jesus, not every psychiatrist does as well, but like you know, like it was a freeing uh result to a long process, so it is worth going down, even if it's frustrating.

Identity, Sharing, And Family Insight

Jess Quak 15:40

Yeah, part of that I think as well that you can see someone who's just recently received a diagnosis. There's a whole lot of processing that has to come with that too, of who is this my now my identity? Because now I can see I've done all these things, and I thought that was just me, but it turns out that this is something that everyone who has this does.

unknown 16:01

Yeah.

Jess Quak 16:02

Um, where am I separate from this? Um, and hopefully along the line, you also see that you can have two ADHD people standing next to each other with similar traits, but it comes out in in so different ways, and they're still so unique, and there's so much about them that is that is wonderful and different, and maybe they struggle with some of the same things, but maybe one of them uses the struggle and it's an asset to them in what they're doing in someone else. That struggle is something that they need to work with and try and overcome, and it looks different for each person, and there's often a period of like a dip and a depression almost of like, what what is my life? Who am I? What um that can come with that as well, and that there is something wrong with me, um, it can be quite hard to move past um before sharing. So I think there's quite a lot of people who will receive a diagnosis and keep it to themselves simply because they're already struggling with all these things. Now, for people in their world who have felt like you've been keeping this secret from me, why didn't you share it with me? Um, I think part of it is understanding that that person needs to get to a place where they are comfortable with not only, okay, this is this is part of my genetic makeup, and this is something that I currently am working through, and I don't need anyone else's voices in here at the moment, but when I'm ready to share, I need your voice to be a supportive one to help me walk this through and not to sort of make me have to take steps backwards before I go forwards.

Dave Quak 17:48

And a diagnosis can help protect like the next generation too. Like, so once I found out that I was bipolar, as you mentioned earlier, there's a lot of genetic uh disposition and a lot of hereditary uh nature to a lot of these. And I'm not an expert in mental health, so look this up for yourself. But the rule seems to be that if you have bipolar, it doesn't necessarily mean you'll have children with bipolar. But if you have bipolar, one of your parents is most likely bipolar. Do you know what I mean? So it's not always through the gene pool, but it can be just sitting there dormant. And the way I've tried to explain it to our kids is that it's like, okay, it's there, it's not activated yet. Let's do everything in our life not to activate this. You know, because there are things that activate, you know, using copious amounts of weed and all that stuff can really activate manic episodes if you've got the gene waiting there. And so knowing my diagnosis gives them an advantage that if they live a life where they avoid a lot of the pitfalls and activation things, man, they might not walk down the same path. You know, and if they've got their own things going on, well that's fine, we'll walk with them there. But in particular, with this, at least we've got what would you call it? Like a clue. It's like a insight, a bit of inside info that's going to help. And that is what a diagnosis brings. And then there's so many good resources out at the moment that help you frame what you're going through in a way that's not just good for you but for others, and it's also written to the point of view of others. So, what's that book we love, the bipolar one? I forget its name right now. Fast. Julie Fast. Julie Fast, she's a uh she's not like a Christian lady, but her stuff is unbelievable, and I highly recommend it. She's got one about how to like live your fullest life while being bipolar, and it's just all about management and exercise and the things that are within our wheelhouse. Yes, medication, yes, bits and pieces that'll help. But it's it's inside info, and there's great resources out there.

Jess Quak 19:54

And a lot of these resources will work across the board with a lot of things. I think just having an an inside understanding of how people work and how brains work, and you know, whether or not you have someone in your life with with one of these conditions that's worth looking into to know. And I'm not talking about looking it up on Instagram or TikTok. Some of those things can be helpful, but some of those things can really actually be not true, and so it can actually throw people off from getting a diagnosis when they

Compassion, Faith, And Better Responses

Jess Quak 20:31

need one. So they are kind of stuck then going, well, I don't identify with this, that, or whatever. And actually that's because that was unique to that person or whatever it might be. But um it can be, yeah, very helpful because you will come across people with the majority of these things, and to know, you know, you know, just to be able to to have the conversation, to know what triggers people, to know how to conduct yourself as well in a way that you can be compassionate. That was so Jesus. He he I was reading this morning in Matthew how Jesus had just received the word of you know, his cousin John had been beheaded, and he just wanted to get some alone time. So he went and he separated himself because he's like, Oh, I'm in grief right now, I just need to spend time, just me and my father, like and the whole crowds of people are like, Whoa, Jesus' cousin is dead, let's follow him, like let's see. And and his response then, because he saw their heart of how lost they were and how broken they were, instead of going, You guys are clueless, can't you see them grieving right now? He goes, He sees them and he had compassion on them, and then he ministered to them. And then after he'd finished ministering to them, he sent his disciples off and then he had the night to himself. Um, so he still took care of himself, but he he conducted himself in a way that he was compassionate. With those around him who were who were broken, who who did do things differently, who did do things in a way that were oblivious to what he was going through. Um, and he didn't say change and and fit the way that you know I would prefer you to be. He's like, okay, I'm the one who who can accommodate for you in a way that that benefits you, knowing that I can still get what I need when I need it.

Dave Quak 22:29

So Yeah, it's so true. I mean, we're all just differently broken. Like if you get a crowd of people, a hundred percent of them are broken in one way. You know, some people don't love that lingo within the body of Christ that's all like, no, you are redeemed and restored. I'm like, yeah, all of that's true, but we're also deteriorating. Like, just look in the mirror ten years from now and your face is grosser than it is now. You know, and you know, there I say, you know, in any group, maybe ten people are there. There's gonna be three with mental health issues, maybe four. There's gonna be one guy who's had a cancer cut out of his nose, got a weird-looking nose. You know, there'll be another person who has an autoimmune disease that nobody knows about, but they just trying to figure it out. Another person had PTSD from trauma when they served in Afghanistan, and and all of us together. I actually think it's not the biggest separator or it shouldn't be. It's the leveler, it's the unifying product that we are all like that, and it's okay, and Jesus is still good, and he wants to use us e even in our brokenness. I mean, you know, if his power is made perfect in our weakness, I feel like then all of us are qualified, right?

unknown 23:44

Yeah.

Jess Quak 23:44

And within this whole mental health space, like with brains functioning in different ways, it's it's kind of beautiful, hey, because there are things like you look at all the people who have such creative gifts, and and that's because of the way that their brain works, and people who are so logical that they can just see through all the whatevers and and just get to the point. And you can see, you know, in an emergency, it's the ADHD person who's gonna be so fully focused and just get to it and get the job done. Like they're the ones who are gonna be able to be the perfect person in that scenario. Whereas someone who's neurotypical might be a little bit more freaked out. Like you just there are so many ways in which we are all so different, but when we appreciate each other's differences and we can appreciate that even within our differences, we're still different from each other, um, but that we're all beautifully made, incredibly intricately woven together and so incredibly loved by God. Like we can sort of take down a level of expectation of what we want to have people be like and just allow them to show us what they have to bring. And it may not be the the level that we might bring, or it may not be the capacity that we have, or it might not be the way we like doing things, but what they have to bring is different and it's unique and it challenges us and it grows us. It's it's our differences that sort of sharpen each other. Like when we were first married, the amount of times we looked at each other and went, that was such a weird thing to do. Why would you do that? And we both did that to each other a lot. Um, but within our families, like that was a normal thing to do. This is what everyone does. And we kind of like, well, what is normal? Like, what is are you the weird one or am I the one? Are we both the weird one? Um and kind of pulling each other to a place where we like, well, how can we be more like Jesus? Yeah. Because if we were in ourselves just by ourselves, we would be so comfortable with like, look how perfect I am. Uh, but when we have people who are different to us, that challenge us, that really um inspire us or sort of see things differently to us, then we can go, oh wow, okay. Like there is I'm very limited in and of myself in the way that I go about navigating this world and navigating faith and and my relationship with God. And when I when I see what someone else does and has to bring, it can expand my life and then it can expand what I see as possible if we do it together. Not easy, not easy, but good.

Dave Quak 26:42

That's right. Not easy, but good is usually the way we end most of our conversations on Sunburnt Souls, to be honest. You know, people out there who are diagnosed and still are not yet ready to share your diagnosis, there's no condemnation. Take your time, have your process. But what just said, like the fact that right now, even with that diagnosis, you are loved by Jesus and you are completely and utterly adored as a son or daughter, means that when you reveal the diagnosis, you're not revealing something that's going to take away that identity or who you are in Christ. You're revealing a new and intricate part of your body. So, man, pray about it. Just try one person, your person. Find your one person who you know will trek with you, and you'll be surprised, I think, at the level of commitment they'll have to your recovery and restoration and walking through it. They'll be there for you. And the truth is, once you share, you're still going through the process, you still go back to your psychiatrist, you still get your counselling, you know, but you've just got extra support on the journey. You know, just checking in because things evolve, things change, and you may go I'm at I'm at a place now where I want to wean off some of my medications. Like I'm on quite a heavier root regime, but they're all working quite well. So where me and the psychiatrist are both scared to mess with it, but we want to get down to a place where it's just the baseline necessity, and maybe that'll take a year. Like it took me a year to get get off SSRI, so I'm not on them anymore, and that had been 10 years. So just like that's where I'm at. I'm not saying that's where everyone else has to be, but that's where I'm at. And so it's a continuing process, but we know that Jesus walks with you in the process, and he is kind and he is good, and um, even as we talk about this, I know Jess, for me, I just feel closer to people who are more colourful, a bit different, because God has made them epically. As we're about to pray, do you have any other words of wisdom before I get you to pray, Jess?

Jess Quak 28:42

I just want to give a bit of encouragement to those people who have listened today and gone, oh no, I've responded the wrong way when someone has shared with me that there's grace for you too. Um, we're all learning and we're all growing in this space and apologizing or moving forward, educating yourself, that can help you to as well minister to that person and and close that gap that might have been created initially. Yeah, just to have some grace on yourself as well. That if you might have done it wrong in the past, that's okay.

Final Encouragement And Prayer

Jess Quak 29:19

You you know differently in the future. Um and you can, yeah, you can in the same way know that you are so loved by God and that your mistakes don't define you.

Dave Quak 29:31

That's awesome, Jess. Thanks so much. Why don't you pray for us?

Jess Quak 29:35

Oh God, I thank you that you love us so completely. In our best days, in our worst days, in our heartbreak, our joy, our failures, and our successes, you see us the same. And I ask, Lord God, that for each listener today that you would be reminding them of that fact that whether they have a brain that works differently or a body that works differently, no matter how unique they have been made, Lord, that you know them and you love them completely. That they would feel that um and know it to the very depths of their bones, Lord. Um thank you for your goodness to us. In Jesus' name. Amen.