When Mental Health Comes On Holidays

You can be standing on a stunning beach with clear water and still wake up feeling dark. After six weeks away, I’m back behind the mic with travel stories from Greece and Turkey that turned into a blunt lesson about mental health: a change of scenery does not automatically change what’s happening inside us. I talk openly about living with bipolar disorder, how depression can arrive without warning, and why your mood can completely contradict your location.

We go deeper into anger management and the idea of safety at home, including how a parent’s blowups can put a spouse and kids into nervous system defense mode. I share what I’m learning from professional help, why I’m committing to a 70-day habit change path, and how Scripture like Ephesians 4:31-32 pushes me to trade rage for kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. We also touch on other root struggles many of us carry, from anxiety and control to money obsession and shame, with a clear bottom line: start the work today, wherever you are.

If this hits close to home, listen, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find honest conversations about faith, bipolar disorder, anger, and mental well-being.

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Transcript

Welcome Back And Big Gratitude

Dave Quak 0:00

Welcome to Sunburn Souls. As you know, my name's Dave Quack, and on this show we speak about life and faith in our mental well-being. And this is the first time I'm in the recording studio for about six weeks because we've been on holidays. It has been so good. And it could only have happened with the volunteers at church and crew at Sunburn Souls and other people stepping up so we could step out. So thank you. May God bless you richly. May He shower your home with all kinds of goodness. Now I want to talk today about when mental health goes on holidays. Because I'd just been on, I don't know, man, five, six weeks of the best holiday of my life. And at the start, I was over in Greece with my daughter Milani. So she came for the first couple of weeks, and then she took off, and then I retreated for a couple more weeks, and then as a family, we went to Nostrati for the last

Athens, Mars Hill, And A Hard Fall

Dave Quak 0:50

sort of couple of weeks. And so we've had a whirlwind time, but when Milani and I were in Athens, we went to a place called Mars Hill or the Areopagus. And you can read about this in Acts 17. I mean, basically, Acts 17 speaks about this place where people used to go and debate, and there's the Stoics and the Epicureans, and they're speaking about which is the best way to live, and it was a place of ideas, and it was a place where people went to persuade each other on you know new ideas, new concepts, new theological ideas, and it was in the shadow of the Parthenon or the Acropolis, if you've seen that in Greece. Anyway, so we're up at this holy place, and so together we stink to the side and read Acts 17, where Acts 17 was inspired. It was so cool, and we're just enjoying each other's company and having a laugh, and we're getting along really well. But along the top of Mars Hill or the Areopacus, there's these real slippery stones, they're like marble or something. Man, I don't know why they don't just change it all out, maybe because it's a historically significant site and that would be wrong. But after having this holy moment and this amazing time, I ended up slipping over and putting my back out, swearing like crazy in the middle of the public, and just having this like mini meltdown in the middle of our epic encounter. You wouldn't guess that I was a man on holidays. Anyway, a few days later, Lani flew home, and then I went down to the Turquoise Coast, which is right down the south of Turkey, near a little city called Kash K-A-S, and then a smaller one called Sarali or Charali, and I went to both of those, and literally the goal was to spend 10 days just sort of like replenishing, just sitting on the beach, reading scripture, eating good food, swimming in beautiful beaches, and I did a lot of that. I really did, and I feel so blessed to be able to have

Bipolar Darkness In A Beautiful Place

Dave Quak 2:45

done that. But then halfway through, the darkness that comes with being bipolar showed up out of nowhere. I kind of went to sleep fine and woke up dark. And if you look at the environment, it doesn't make sense. You know, these beaches are beautiful, they're not like our awesome Gold Coast ones where there's soft white sand, they're more like the shell and the rock kind of beach, but the water is clear, man. You can it's like you're snorkeling without even having a snorkel on, and so my mood didn't match my location, and so I'm there in this like beautiful place feeling dark. And for me, darkness isn't necessarily suicidal, but it's kind of like I have a resignation that life's not going to be okay, and I should just move away, or move to one of these places that I've just seen, or just get away, you know, like away from the world, away from pressure, away from being a pastor, and I just get internal, and you know, I can't care, so I'll go out on the you know to get dinner and just get whatever's there, and just eat it in bitter silence, um, just I don't know, marinating on how bad the world is. Now I get that here sometimes, um, not as strong as I got it there, and it only lasted a day or two overseas, but being on holidays didn't solve my mental health issues.

Taxi Stress And Anger On The Road

Dave Quak 4:11

And then lastly, look, I'm not the world's most travelled human, I don't aspire to see every country or whatever, but we've seen enough countries to know generally how things work, and I honestly think the worst part of entering a new country is the taxi drivers, man. Look, God bless you if you are an honest taxi driver out there, God bless you if you're not trying to scam people or take the long way around or double the price or push you around. I mean, but man, oh so the main airports we had to go through were Shanghai in China, Istanbul in Turkey, and Athens in Greece, and all of those guys have unregulated taxi systems. When you come out of the airport, you get swamped, they block all the apps, so there's you know, um taxis in Turkey, but you can't actually get one from the airport, so you're kind of stuck. You either got to take a train or a bus, which God bless you if you want to, but after I've been flying all night, I don't want to do that, and so you're stuck in these taxis having an argument and a fight, and I feel like it's just the worst way to start your trip in a new country. And I know for some people they'll be like, oh, who cares? Just suck it up and pay. But for me, I just get so mad getting swindled. The first thing that happens when I get off the plane is getting swindled, and so I don't love that. And so I find myself while overseas being bitey and nasty to people, where God calls us to love people and especially love our enemies. And I'm not saying that all taxi drivers are your natural enemy, but some definitely are your arc enemy. Some of these dudes are crazy, and so for me, being overseas didn't kind of like turn off my anger, and it didn't turn off my fury, it just actually redirected it from one thing to another. And I guess that is the very point of this episode is that if you've got issues in your mental well-being and you go overseas, chances are they'll still be there when you get home, unless you do some work overseas to grow in your mental well-being. If you've got issues with your character, like I do with anger, if I go overseas, it's not magically going to save it all. I might be more predisposed to working on it because I don't have to work on church or the podcast or whatever else, but just being overseas, being on a holiday, doesn't actually reduce my weaknesses. If I get dark here, when there's a combination of my mood and my mental well-being and my actions colliding, if I get dark here, then unfortunately there's a high chance I'll get dark overseas.

Coming Home Manic Instead Of Rested

Dave Quak 7:02

One of the hardest things returning was that I got manic as. So if you don't know, I've got bipolar disorder, and the two pendulums are basically manic, where you're like overbearing and overstimulated, and you don't sleep, and you don't think rationally, and you can be, you know, quite hard to be around, and then the depressive, like I mentioned before, the dark side of things. But I got back and I was so manic for all different reasons. Um, coming back through the time zones is really hard for a bipolar person because your medication gets taken out of like consistency, plus your rhythms. Like rhythms are really important as someone with bipolar, having the medication at the same time, having the sleep at the same time, the same amount of hours of sleep. And we had a horrible transfer. We went, you know, from uh Istanbul to China, which is 10 hours, and then a 15-hour layover, and then 10 more hours to the Gold Coast. So it was a really horrible flight, but I came back manic, which meant the family that I was coming back to who expected relaxed dad got manic dad who was overbearing, and for them it was a surprise, and for me it was a disappointment. And so the same dad who left came back. So am I ripping on people who travel or travel in general? No man, I love it. We try to go to somewhere every year, I love it. But I am saying that if you're expecting your mental well-being to get solved simply by going on a holiday, I'm not sure it's gonna happen. I think there can be some benefits like you know, turning your phone off and getting off social media and not having to go to work and maybe even eating healthily and walking on the beach at sunrise. Like, yeah, there's gonna be those physiological and emotional benefits. But if you're not working on the fundamental issues beneath your actions, nothing's gonna

Wherever You Go There You Are

Dave Quak 8:52

change. Some of you are gonna want to punch me out for using such a cliche saying, but wherever you go, there you are. I get it, yes, it's cliche, it's probably on a bumper sticker, it's attributed to a whole bunch of people, but the truth in it is so good. So, like wherever you are, you're gonna have the blessings of your strengths and your character and your relationship with God and the overflow into your life and the lives of others. So there's there's positives to to this, but the truth is if you're an angry human here, you could move to the most laid-back place on the ha on the planet and you'll still be an angry human. If you get anxious here, you could move anywhere on the planet and you'll still get anxious there. The triggers will be different, the circumstances will be different, but what we struggle with now isn't going to be solved by a simple geographical relocation. Now, feel free to push against this in the comments if you want to say that you don't think I'm right. But it's probably true because a lot of the things that push us to react and respond in ways that are bad for our mental well-being, are usually from trigger points and I guess the things deep down within ourselves that are going to press our buttons no matter where we live, no matter what we're doing, no matter how long the holiday is. Because a lot of the time, say for example, with anger, and we're gonna stay on anger for a bit, like when I get triggered and I respond with anger, that's not because I'm sitting on a beach or or somewhere disgusting. It's because something deep within me, maybe some aspects of trauma, maybe some you know, pieces of brokenness are getting kind of called hauled over the coals, and my response isn't one of love, and my response isn't one of patience, it's one of anger. That won't magically be fixed if I'm sitting in a villa somewhere, but it will be fixed if I sort of like work on it here or in the villa or in Uluru or wherever else, because it's about getting to the root of the problem and trying to grow by the power of the Holy Spirit. And so when I got back from holidays and I was expecting some sort of change, and then within minutes I'm angry and blowing up at everyone else, I got a lot of condemnation from that because my family sacrificed for me to be able to go away, and my wife carried the load at church, so I was able to go away. And then I come back and all of a sudden I'm just angry and barking orders at everyone. There was self-condemnation, not from them. And she's epic, so she would never say this or think this. But I'd be thinking if I was her, I'd be like, Well, what was the point, man? You came back just as bad as you were. But that actually is the point, is that unless we address our mental well-being and our you know character flaws before we go away, they're gonna still be there when we get back. And so I just want to just speak about anger just for a minute and some of the revelations I got while being away, but also more importantly, while being back. So

When Anger Makes Home Feel Unsafe

Dave Quak 11:59

this is gonna take some explaining, but okay, so when I blow up with anger, it is quite explosive, and because I've got a boomy voice, small people or children seem to get extra rattled. Um, I look angry, my whole face contorts, I don't look like I'm in control. And to be honest, if I was a kid or you know, even Jess or someone experiencing it, it could be quite scary. It's not I'm not physically intimidating, I'm not a big dude, I'm not a puncher or a violent dude, but my disposition when I'm blowing up with verbal um I don't know, rage is a scary affair. And here's the thing that I haven't wanted to swallow or admit for a long time is that when I'm angry, it has a physical effect on the children and on jazz, where their nervous system is kind of like going in defense mode, and they'll react to my anger in certain ways to help them feel safe, and usually that is to kind of close down and you know become small and to disappear. Now you've got to understand admitting that I I get it, it's gross. I want to punch my own self in the face. So if you think Dave that's not good enough, I know, I know, but I'm on a growth path with all of this. But what I especially find difficult is the phrase that they don't feel safe. When someone pointed that out to me the other day, where if you're angry and someone's nervous system is firing and they're in protection mode, it's because they don't feel safe. So not only are you the perp, you then also have to deal with the consequence mentally that you're making people you love not feel safe. That's horrible. To do that to people you love is horrible. Now, your retort might be, well, then why don't you stop doing it, Dave? And my honest answer is I'm gonna try, like my best. And I'm not just telling this story to make a good podcast episode. I'm actually really convicted that anger is the worst. Um, and I grew up in a house of anger, and am still probably affected, and I don't want that to be the case for the people I love. And so I went and saw a professional the other day, and he gave me some really good coping mechanisms and challenges about how to reform habits, and you know, 70 days from now, including the days I messed up, I could be not just not angry, but I actually could be loving and I could be kind. Like it's not that far out of grip, and I think that's the point. So if you went overseas and worked on your anger for 70 days and implemented a whole bunch of strategies, then yeah, you'd grow. But you could also do it here. That's the point. Why not start here? Why not start while you live in the situation you live in now? And why not start at the home you live in and in the job you live in? Because it's not going to get easier based on geography. We've already established that. See, back to the safe thing. I think when I'm angry and then I get told that I'm making people I love unsafe, it just opens up this whole can of brokenness and you know, oh man, just wounds deep down inside me that I didn't realize are still there. You know, I've got to work like the word safe, like imagine growing up in a household where you don't feel safe. Imagine how stressful that would be, how much it'd m mess with your immune system and your nervous system and you know, your psychological and physical and spiritual and emotional development. I mean, it would take every part of the security we are called to live in in Christ and in our homes, and just splatter that on the walls. I mean, no wonder people who grow up in unsafe environments find it hard to flourish. And then could you imagine my guilt if that's how I grew up and then now all of a sudden I'm doing the same to my kids? Like it honestly makes you feel like you're the worst human on the planet. But then once you bottom out and repent and actually come before God and say, Alright, man, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not gonna be that parent who tears shreds off their kids or you know, condemns them when they make a mistake, or if they fall instead of healing them, bringing more condemnation and oppressing them and holding them down when they're already down. I'm not gonna do all that. I'm not gonna sit in that, I'm not gonna let my brokenness become their brokenness. I'm gonna work on myself now because if I don't do it, they're gonna be sitting in a counselor's chair in 20 years and this whole cycle repeats. Whereas I could stop this whole cycle right now by starting to address it now, not before I move to the Bahamas or go on a holiday for the rest of my life. Now, well, it matters now, and so for me, that counselor challenged me that you need to start today, and I have, and look, I'm only three days in, mate. I'm not mastered this, but three days out of 70, mate, 67 to go, and God can change me. See,

How Anger Turns You Into The Victim

Dave Quak 17:34

the biggest thing about anger, or one of the biggest things, is that the person who is angry is usually placing themselves as the victim in a circumstance where they're not actually the victim. So think about this. Say your children or your spouse or a loved one messes up, and it's their mistake, and they're struggling with it, and you come along, and instead of bringing them words of life, instead of saying, you know what, you messed up, but we all mess up. Or you didn't get what you were chasing, but we all sometimes don't get what we're chasing. You know, you could bring words of grace, words of life, words of you know, repair and help it go from a place of like hardship to a place of celebration somehow, and that even though they messed up, they're still gonna be okay, right? What we do when we're angry is that we come into that situation and make ourselves the victim. So they're the ones that messed up, but we come in and say, Well, you never listen to what I say anyway, that's why you messed up. Well, you've got to carry something heavy, like, I don't know, a couch. And you grab your wife and say, We need to move this brand new couch from here to there, and along the way, she drops her end, dints the couch. Right? It's not like she did it to be malicious or vindictive, she just couldn't carry it, and you're the one who asked her to carry it in the first place. You make yourself the victim when you walk up and say something like, Oh, I can't get any help around here, or nobody can help me properly, or am I supposed to do everything by myself? That's making yourself the victim. Or somebody doesn't do a chore. Like the kids are told to get the bin and take it out and they forget. And so the next morning you hear the truck, you go out, see the bins aren't gone, you put the bins out, you make it in time, but come in flying off the handle. I told you last night to do this one job. I don't ask very much of you any of the time, you don't pay board, you don't even work. The least you could do is listen to me. Making yourself the victim. Now is it ideal that he didn't take the bin out? No. But who gives a rip in the long run? Take it out next week, go to the dump, figure it out. Yeah, they've got to learn consequences, but nobody learns by getting shreds torn off them. Figure out a better way.

Scripture, Roots, And Real Next Steps

Dave Quak 19:48

See, it's it's not just me saying stuff like Ephesians chapter four from verse twenty uh thirty-one says, get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Right? It says, get rid of it. So it's saying get rid of it as in you have the power, you have the choice, you have the capacity to get rid of all those things I just listed bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander, malice. Right, it says get rid of that stuff, and as an overflow, verse 32 says, be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as Christ, just as in Christ God forgave you. So there's some transactions happening. There's our choice to get rid of the bitterness, rage, and anger. There's our choice to be kind and compassionate to one another, and then it's God's choice to extend his forgiveness to us because we extend our forgiveness to each other. So obviously, anger's the thing I need to work on. Maybe it's the same thing you need to work on, or maybe you need to work on something different. Maybe you need to work on lust and you're using so much porn that your marriage and your sex life is just not fruitful any longer. Or maybe you're obsessed with money, and the pursuit of money has taken over your pursuit of God, and your pursuit of money has made you grumpy and stingy and stressed and wound up. Where the Bible talks a lot about the difference between following mammon, which is like the spirit of money, and following God, and that you can't really chase both at once. And if you're feeling like your relationship with God might be a little bit waning, but your relationship with money is growing stronger and stronger and stronger, that's a problem. Do some business with God about that. Maybe your anxiety has gotten so bad that you can't get out of bed and you can't leave the house. And guess what? No condemnation from me because I've been there. I think anxiety. Is the worst. I wouldn't wish it upon my, you know, worst enemy. I mean, it's horrible, it's crippling, it's disgustingly heavy. And so if you're in that place, I'm not saying quickly go for a run down the street and everything's gonna be alright, but maybe take one step with one person to start overcoming anxiety again. Chances are you've had a little bit of victory in the past, and maybe into the future you can have a little bit of victory again. Maybe you cry at the drop of a hat, and sometimes that can be a really good thing. Sometimes our brokenness and our teachability does reveal itself in the form of crying, but maybe it's not there. Maybe you're actually feeling broken. That there's something that needs repair. And if that's the case, I would encourage you so, so much to go see a counsellor or a psychologist or your pastor or start somewhere. You know, you don't have to go on a holiday to the snowfields, you don't have to go on a cruise to get this stuff sorted. That stuff may help, but what will probably help more is addressing the core issues that are dominating your life. Maybe you've got a deep sense that you are not enough. You've got a fear of rejection that if you step out, people are gonna reject you, and it can, you know, phrase itself in different ways like perfectionism or people pleasing, you know, and and you can be constantly just hyper-vigilant about how people are looking at you and you know what the social circumstances are like and who's saying what and what I should say next. Man, God can be a big solution to a lot of that. I I know it's cliche for me to say as a pastor, but if you're wondering if you're enough, well, the Bible says you're enough, and God says you're enough, and he evidenced that by sending his son Jesus to redeem you into the presence of God, so you are enough, but my words might not be enough for you. Maybe you need to start the process as well of delving deep into why you feel this way. Start journaling, why don't I feel like I'm enough? Because the Bible says you're enough, and I'm sure your loved ones say you're enough, so it's just about you believing that you're enough. Maybe you're a control freak, maybe you just can't get through the day without trying to micromanage everybody's life, including your own. You want to control your family, you want to control your workplace, your neighbors, anyone you come into contact with. Well, the cool thing is God wants to set you free from that because he's the one who wants to be in control. So

A Prayer To Start Today

Dave Quak 24:40

as we wind up, wherever you're at, honestly, I want to pray that God would use you now to start addressing some of the bigger issues in your world. Let him minister to your heart, let him, you know, do a work deeply in your life, and you never know. You know, you could go on holidays and come back and have a great time. Fantastic, I hope you do. But wouldn't it be cool is if the desire we had for holidays became our everyday reality? That would be cool. Alright, let's pray. Lord, I just pray for everyone listening that we will take steps to grow in the areas we can in partnership with you who can do all things. We love you. We need you. Help us, we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.